Degradation in daily life

software industry environment gives a lot. if I look deeply in things, every act of people around have been useful and there is a reason, why they are behaving the way they behave. the reasons beyound their comprehensions often, they are just mediums, like i am.

thanks to these people and their acts, more they have acted in their ways, more it has strengthened the will to be a human being in me, more it has helped me in identifying/finding/seeing/knowing the things, for which I have been striving for many years and make improvements in self.

one such event that happened last week, acted like a conscious shock. some contradictory behaviour of an individual, in organisation i have been working for at present, irritated me a lot and while reading the electronic conversation i loudly muttered 'bastard'. it was quite an shock to my ears - the intensity of negative emotions of other person impermeating me this much!! and then things cycled through before eyes.. how it has been slowly happening in past 3 years.. first a negative emotion in head when someone drove very rashly and caused accident possibility, then a soft muttering when some (not all people are that variety) car/three wheeler/ two-wheeler driver drove in such a way and speed that accumulated rain water on road got splashed over you and spoiled things.. and this soft muttering grew slightly louder and louder.. thankfully, always had enough control to not let it take control of me. how slowly the words like this one have been entering my system slowly from environment, using the causes around.

for others, rather a lot of people in this organisation, as I observed in past 2-3 years, it is a minor thing rather nothing to be paid attention to. for me it was a big degradation in me.

i reflected over this and prayed to god for strength to recover from this and similar self-degradations and aimed at trying to be more conscious and aware about how negative energies try to affect me, try to take control of me.

the very same night, there was a test. while on the way home around 10:30pm in night, at a crossing, a speeding car almost had me, if i didn't manage to apply brakes in time, and surprisingly the brakes got applied as if perfectly. thanks to God, I remembered the strivings, aims and resolutions earlier from the day. and surprising no expletive came out of my mouth, not even a soft mutter, nothing came in feeling, not even in head. one person riding the cycle, perhaps he would also have got the impact?? said something in local language something to the effect about bad driving of car person, i didn't understand all of it, but his emotions were not agitated either. somehow it was a good feeling that I didn't feel even the need to utter an expletive. I shook my head sideways in response to this person. and we both just continued as if nothing had happened.

I learned something unknowingly from this person, whom I don't even know, nor will ever know.

We call ourselves educated and use filthy english words, how different we are then those people whom we criticise, look down upon for their language and behaviours. Saying something in english rather than local language doesn't make it different.

so far since then, it is calm. i have been able to practice calm and every act of individuals around now looks quite different. in b/w for some short moments negativities have tried to take control of me in various ways, but thanks to almighty one or other form of help has always been there to remind me, to shake me out of it. things like a window popup, or a new mail from someone, or the colleague who sits next to me and has been a very good help in this effort of self improvement. he just casually stands up and possibly even unknown to him, why he did that, he happens to put his hand on my shoulder, or someone comes asking for something to divert my attention... different ways and forms of god-sent help. i just have to keep my eyes/ears/mind/feelings open and receptive. if i don't help myself, god won't be able to help me either.